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BÀI CHỮA CHO ĐỀ 08/11/2014 (CHỦ ĐỀ CRIME)

08/11/2014

Some people believe that a crime is a result of social problems and poverty, others think that crime is a result of bad person’s nature. Discuss both views and give your opinion 

 

ANSWER

It is generally believed that inborn characteristics are the reasons leading to criminal problems. However, I would argue that a [1] crime is an undeniable consequence of social issues and poverty.

 

There is a belief that a criminal is the result of a person's nature. Firstly, a person who is cruel easily commits a crime. In particular, a small child bullying other boys or girls at school is more likely to commit murder or have  take violent actions in years to come. Secondly, bad characteristics including laziness and selfishness could also build up breed [2] future offenders. It cannot be denied that a number of youngsters, instead of working to earn a living, choose to steal from other people. It seems that people who are born with an inborn negative nature are likely to be accused of [3] crimes.

 

Nevertheless, it seems to me that social issues and poverty are primary reasons behind a [1] crime. First and foremost, problems in society could lead to an increasing number of crimes. For example, unemployment pushes an array of people to work illegally to earn  their livings. As a consequence, the number of offenders has climbed in recent years. Furthermore, the situation of poverty is also claimed to be one of the main reasons leading to unlawful problems [4] criminal acts. It is undeniable that if their standard of living cannot allow people to meet  basic needs, they would  will do pursue [5] illegal activities to make money so that they could support their family. Consequently, criminal issues would become increasingly serious.

 

In conclusion, while a number of people think that a person's nature is the primary cause of crimes, I would argue that they are the results of social issues and poverty.

 

Written by An an (lớp t9/2014)

 

1.‘Crime’ is an important noun which has countable and uncountable uses.  In this sentence, you use it to refer to illegal activity in general.  This is an uncountable use, so delete ‘a’.  You will see from the dictionary reference that the activity is uncountable, but an act or action that is illegal is a crime = countable. 

See:  http://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/crime?q=crime

 

2.I have suggested a change to vocabulary here.  We ‘build up’ some characteristics or skills:  http://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/build-up_2?q=build+up  However, see number 3 in this reference:  http://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/breed_1?q=breed

 

3.I think that ‘...likely to commit crimes’  expresses your idea accurately

 

4.You mean here:  ‘...leading to criminal acts’ or ‘...leading to lawbreaking’. 

See: http://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/lawbreaking?q=lawbreaking

 

5.This is another vocabulary suggestion.  The word combination ‘do activities’ is not often used in English.

 

Bài nhận xét và cho điểm (Mình không phải là giám khảo nên điểm số cho chỉ mang tính chất giúp mọi người tham khảo)

 

Task Response:

Bài viết đã thảo luận được 2 quan điểm và đưa ra quan điểm bản thân xuyên suốt cả bài (ở phần mở bài, thân bài, kết luận). Đoạn 2 đưa ra 2 lý do "why some people think that those who have a bad nature commit crime". Đã giải thích và đưa ví dụ minh họa cụ thể. Ý "It seems that people who are born with an inborn negative nature are likely to be accused of crimes." -> hơi cực đoan, xem sửa lại ở bài viết dưới

Đoạn 3 thảo luận "unemployment and the related reason, poverty, are the main causes of crime" cũng đã đưa được giải thích cụ thể -> Band 7.5~8.0

 

Coherence and cohesion: 

Mở bài, thân bài, kết luận liên kết với nhau rất tốt. Câu topic sentence đã kết nối được với mở bài, kết luận. Ngoài ra còn nêu được ý trung tâm của mỗi đoạn văn. "Firstly/Secondly/First and foremost/Furthermore" giúp giám khảo dễ dàng thấy được các ý hỗ trợ trong từng đoạn văn. Ngoài ra còn có thêm một số từ nối giúp giải thích các ý tốt hơn "In particular/As a consequence/Consequently". "It cannot be denied.... and It is undeniable...." -> hơi bị lặp từ -> bỏ đi hoặc thay bằng "it is clear that..."-> Band 7.5~8.0

 

Lexical resource:  

Từ vựng về chủ đề crime có thể tham khảo ở đây:

http://www.dcielts.com/ielts-vocabulary/crime-vocabulary-and-exercises/

Từ vựng đa phần dùng chính xác và phù hợp với ngữ cảnh -> band 7.5

 

Grammatical range and accuracy:  

Bài viết đơn giản nhưng không có lỗi sai ngữ pháp. Các cấu trúc sử dụng đa dạng và phù hợp -> band 8.0

 

Bài viết lại. Đa phân nâng cấp về topic vocabulary

 

Many people consider that innate characteristics are responsible for the fact that some people choose to turn to a career of crime.  However, I would argue that crime is a consequence of social issues and poverty.

 

There is a belief that a person’s nature determines whether or not they become a criminal.  Firstly, they argue that an individual who is cruel turns to crime more easily than a kind person.  For instance, a child bullying other boys or girls at school may turn into a violent criminal in the future.  Secondly, bad characteristics such as laziness or selfishness could also breed future offenders, who seek to acquire easy money without working for it.  A number of youngsters choose to steal from others, instead of working hard to make an honest living.  These are strong reasons for thinking that those who have an inborn bad nature are more likely to break the law.

 

Nevertheless, it seems to me that social issues and poverty are the main causes behind crime.  There are many problems in society which might lead to an increase in the crime rate.  For example, unemployment pushes people into resorting to crime  because they simply cannot find a job.  As a consequence, the number of offenders has climbed in many countries over recent decades.  Another reason is that, more broadly, poverty in general leads to a rise in crime.  If people do not have enough money to make ends meet, they will be tempted to pursue illegal activities just to support themselves and their families.

 

In conclusion, while a number of people think that a person's nature is the primary cause of crimes, I would argue that they are the results of social issues and poverty.

 

Written by Ngoc Bach

291 words

 

 

 

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